So, just about two years ago, I posted part one of this article.  I never intended to do a part two, mostly because I didn’t think it would be necessary.

And yet, here I am again.

((((SIGH))))

I’m not going to go into lots of detail like I did in part I of this homeschooling rant, I’m just going to say a few things that apparently, need to be repeated/reiterated:

Yes, we are still homeschooling.

No, we are not sending them to school.  Please stop asking.

Yes, I picked up on your subtle (and not-so-subtle) hints that you think we should put our kids back in school so they don’t end up weird.  Your message was loud and clear.  I just don’t care what you think, and therefore am not motivated to consider your opinion when it comes to how I should raise MY kids.

Your opinion of me, the fact that we homeschool, and what you think of it is NONE OF MY BUSINESS.  If I want to know what you think, I will ask you.  If I don’t ask, assume it’s because I don’t want to know what you think, and keep your opinions TO  YOURSELF.

Stop speaking YOUR OPINION as though it is a FACT.  

Chances are, of the two of us, only one of us has any experience homeschooling or teaching.  It’s not you.

Chances are further that only one of us has ever done any research about homeschooling, or research into the school system where I live.  Again, not you.

Chances are EVEN FURTHER that since I’m the one God gave these kids to, I know what they need better than you and am therefore better equipped to make decisions on their behalf, because they’re MY kids.  Not yours.

My choices are  not a reflection of what I think or how I feel about YOUR choices.  They’re just MY choices- what’s best for our family.  I trust you to know what’s best for your family; please extend the same courtesy to me.

That is all.  For now…

SONY DSCRemember how I posted that life was fleeting?  And then I posted “It’s Been a Long Time!”, about how we were expecting another baby, much to our surprise?

Well, once again, I learned that life is fleeting.

My beautiful, precious Maia Rose, 4lbs, 9oz, died on December 2, 2012.  I was 34 weeks pregnant.  I am still devastated.  I never imagined that would happen to me, to us.  I can’t begin to describe the horror, fear, and pain of having to endure that kind of reality- I can just say it never goes away and doesn’t get any better.  You just learn to manage it better.  But it still hurts just as much.

You just don’t talk about it much, because it’s such a downer to everyone else.  Truth is, I feel now the same as I did then- I’m better able to control the despair, to mask the pain and bewilderment- but it hasn’t gone anywhere.  I just have to put on a brave face so I don’t weird everyone out.

I also can’t begin to describe the difficulty of explaining this to my 5 and 3 year old.  Their disappointment over not being able to ever bring her home to play; their confusion about how and why she died and why other people got to keep their babies, but we did’t get to keep ours; and their fear that they might die too.

Seeing people I hadn’t seen since I was pregnant and watching their face change from excitement (oh!, you had the baby!) to confusion (but why don’t you look happy…) to shock (oh, my God- I had no idea, I’m so sorry!) to embarrassment (gee, I wish I hadn’t said anything…) to panic, as they flee (okay- just put my foot in my mouth- let me get away as soon as possible, because I have no idea how to fix this!).

BTW- I’m not contagious.  Your babies won’t die if you talk to me.

Just sayin’.

And so, I press on through this life that I’ve been blessed with.  God is still good, and He’s still incontrol.  I don’t understand and I certainly don’t agree with all that happened and continues to happen (like the constant reminders- you can’t escape babies, pregnant women, or the mention of either), I know He’s still in control.  And really, even if I understood it wouldn’t change anything.

She’d still be gone, and I’d still be devastated.  Forever.

But in a weird way, I know it’s okay- even if it doesn’t always feel that way- because I’m still on His mind, and He still has a plan, and He’s still on the throne.  And I’ll see her again.

But I still miss my baby, though.

I haven’t posted in forever!  I guess sometimes life just happens that way.  Anyway, I just wanted to post a brief update of a few things, and hopefully soon I’ll get on the wagon and post regularly.

First of all, I am pregnant again!  It was quite a surprise to us all, but after the shock wears off you realize what a wonderful blessing it is!  I’m not going to find out what I’m having, so don’t ask!! LOL.  My due date is 1.14.2013.  So far, i’m having trouble finding a midwifery practice, not because of the midwives themselves, but because the OB’s that they inevitable work under seem to all insist that even though the ACOG says that a woman who has had two sections with low transverse incisions is still a candidate for a VBAC, they don’t want to “let” me try.  Even though I’ve ALSO had a successful vaginal birth with Max, AFTER both sections.  At this point, I REALLY don’t see the need for another section, since I’ve proved that I can labor and deliver successfully the way nature intended- not to mention the fact that i’ll still h ave small kids to care for at home.  I have one more midwife to interview before I make my decision.  I wasn’t planning on having another HB this time, but I’ll consider it if I’m left with no other option to the section.

Maisy lost her first tooth today!  Yes, she’s only four- she won’t be 5 until November.  It’s pretty early for tooth loss, but you can see the new one already poking out.  Another tooth is on it’s way out as well, probably by her birthday, says the dentist.  We’ll see.

Monae has been very mysteriously ill, with abdominal pain, nausea, and vomiting for almost two weeks now.  Every single test for anything has come back normal.  She was tentatively diagnosed with abdominal migraines, but if that’s correct, then they are not responding to treatment.  She’s currently taking meds 3x/ day, every day, and they’re not working 100%.  The only reason I post all those details is if anyone has any clue of what could possibly be wrong with her, please drop a note my way.  We are literally at our wits end; the next steps are a GI specialist and hospital admission, because her pediatrician has literally run out of ideas as to what could be wrong.  Please pray for her; she’s miserable for most of the day.

Anyhoo, I have two little ones still up, and one harassing me about a tooth under a pillow, so I’ll call it quits here.  Hopefully, I’ll be back on again soo.  Until then, be blessed!

Today, I am reminded of that line from one of the Rugrats movies where one of the twins (the boy) comments on some else’s grumpiness (probably Angelica).  At any rate, he says, “Well somebody got up on the wrong side of the bread this morning”.  That is exactly how I feel today, and I don’t know why.

Of course, I got less sleep than the recommended 8 hours.  Okay, it was more like 6.  But that’s nothing new for me, so I’ve ruled that out.

I do have a lot of mundane things to do around the house, but that’s not new either.

My two homeschooled teens have come down with a bad case of SNMSS- “slow-neuron molasses-synapse syndrome”, meaning the neurons in their brains are working extra slowly and the synapse are filled with molasses (or so it seems).  On days like this, questions like “In what year was the War of 1812?” ellicit a response of “uuummm, uuuhh… can you repeat the question?”

Unfortunately, no I cannot- not today.  I feel so tired, and like I’m in some sort of fog.  Maybe I’m coming down with something?

At any rate, my patience is about as long as a green light when you’re running late for work, and I am just not feeling it.  I just want to crawl back into bed for a few hours, and start over later.  Maybe.

Only Monae has to dance at a Black History Program this evening in the city, and since dh works in the city, he’s just going to hang out after work so he can go straight there.  It is, after all, right down the street from where he works, and at $3.71 a gallon, he’d better not drive all the way home first!

But that means that I have no relief in sight, because by the time the service ends (she’s performing at a church service), it will be bedtime for the kiddies.  I don’t even think I’ll get my walk in today- but I HAVE to figure out how to get that in, because it’s one of my Lenten commitments.  SIGH.

Maisy needs her hair done; so does Monae.  So do I for that matter- right now, I’m rocking something that’s midway between Frederick Douglas and Macy Gray.

I need to recharge.  I’m going to go hide for a little while (well, as much as you can hide with a 4 and 2 year old crawling all over you), give the big kids something they can work on independently, and hopefully pull it together enough to get all this hair done and get to this performance on time.

There’s no place like the Chocolate Spa at the Hotel Hershey!

There’s no place like the Chocolate Spa at the Hotel Hershey!

There’s no place like the Chocolate Spa at the Hotel Hershey!

dang.

Oh well, it was worth a try.

In my previous post, I mentioned a great book, Joy for Beginners by Erica Bauermeister, and the fact that much of it resonated with me and is certainly worth sharing and applying to my life.  The statement that resonated with me the most from the book is one that has meaning on so many levels, and it’s simply this:

Adults need to have fun so that children will want to grow up!

I think that’s true on so many levels, and perhaps explains society’s current problem of adult children who never do, in fact, grow up.  Perhaps older adults, busy with making a life and providing stability, forgot to have any fun at all- and so gave their children nothing to look forward to but a life full of hard work and bill payments.

Many people grow up with parents who wake up every day tired, go to a job they complain about, come home tired, do more “work” around the house, never have time to play or relax, stress and complain about bills to play and how they never have enough money, never go on vacation, and then wake up and do it all again.  I mean, really-  if that’s what growing up means, can you blame them for never wanting to?  At least as a kid, you have your friends, ride on your parents tab, and lack a certain level of responsibility- so of course they’re still riding that wave at 25, 30, 35, and 40- if you let them.

I think parents forget that every single day, they are shaping their children’s childhood memories as well as creating what the future looks like for adults.  Yes, it’s a tall order, but it’s not hard to carve out something beautiful to aspire to.  Just don’t forget to live a little.  (I’m not suggesting for a moment that we shirk our responsibilities, quite the opposite- that a part of our adult responsibility is demonstrating that life is good and worth living.)

If you’re married, that means spending time together as a family having fun, and also letting your kids see you invest in each other.  Spending time just with your spouse doing something you both enjoy, going somewhere fun- if your marriage is stagnant and boring, why would your kids want to grow up and do that?

If you’re a single parent, it still means doing fun things together, and having some adventures of your own.  What if your child never gets married or gets married older in life?  Give them the expectation of a full life in spite of- show them that single people have rich, full, exciting lives, too.

I’ll probably have more to say about his subject, but I gotta run-dropping the kids off at my mom’s so that hubby and I can have a day filled with adventure to tell them about when they come home.  What kind of adventure are YOU gonna have today?  This weekend?  Next week?  Think about it, and then go DO something!

Joy For Beginners

2012/02/24

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted, but I’m going to try and do better.  ‘Nuff said.

One of the blogs I follow, Cheaper By The Half Dozen, mentioned a book in a post I read a few days ago.  The book, Joy for Beginners by Erica Bauermeister, is February’s book selection on the blog She Reads (also penned in part by the author of Cheaper by the Dozen).  It sounded intriguing, so I snagged a copy from the library.  This is easily the best book I’ve read in a long, long time- not because of the writing or anything like that, but because of the subject and how adeptly it’s handled.  This is the kind of book that touches your soul; the kind that you hold inside of you forever.  I will never forget this book and the lessons I learned from it.  Don’t be surprised to see entire posts stemming from one line or theme from this book!  If you like reading fiction, or even if you don’t, I still recommend that you check this one out.

I’m not sure if I found so many nuggets of wisdom and insight in the book  because they were just there- intended by the author to pierce the heart of each reader, or because I was looking for them.  I’m at a place of openness right now- openness toward my future, and hopes, and dreams.  Openness toward rediscovering the anticipation and expectation of wonderful things happening in my life.  I want to live, really live my life, becoming as grown and mature as I can possibly be, in the most childlike way possible.  Childlike because I want to believe and receive it with no doubts or second guessing based on bad experiences, fear, or whatever it is that other people think.  I want to really embrace the future and the hope that God has for me, knowing with every fiber of my body that He CAN and He WILL give me the desires of my heart if I delight myself in Him, just ‘cuz.

So!  Back to the book.

As a quick summary, there are seven women.  One has battled cancer and won, and at her victory party, the others decide she must do something she’s never done before, something that scares her, to overcome her fear.  For her, they choose white water rafting through the Grand Canyon.  It was initially her daughter’s suggestion, which they get a hold of.  Completing this will cause her to do two things- first, face the direct fear of the rapids.  More importantly, commit to something a year away (the trip is for a year in the future), as she has yet to embrace the fact that she has survived and does, indeed, have a future to look forward to and plan for.

She accepts, but with one condition- she gets to pick something equally challenging for each of them to accomplish.

What a great idea!  I’m totally going to round up some gals and steal it.  Seriously.

I’ll keep you posted on my thoughts about this book, and on my journey to truly get a life this year.  Your job is to get a life, too (if you don’t already have one) and to hold me accountable!!!  With that said, go check out my next post about a statement from the book that holds a lot of meaning- particularly as it pertains to children growing up, and how adults facilitate that.  Go read!

I wanted to post my feeling on this about a week ago, but out of respect for the family and not wanting to share any information before they were ready, I decided to wait.  A little over a week ago, an aquaintance of mine lost his wife.    When I used to teach, I would see him at professional development days and teacher things, and sometimes, I’d see them at church.

A week ago, she had a massive heart attack in her sleep and died.  She was 33.  They have a daughter who’s about 7 or 8.

She was a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, a friend.  She was young.  She was overweight. She was stressed out.  And she had a heart attack.  And died.  At 33.

I write that because in a lot of ways, she is me.

I am a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, and a friend.

While a little older than her (36), I am still young.

And I am overweight.  And I am stressed out.

Do you see where this is going?

That could have just as easily been me.  But for the grace of God go I, and all that.  When I heard about her death I was shocked.  I mean, I know overweight + overstressed = candidate for heart attack, but she was so young I would never have seen it coming.  I doubt she did, either.  So many questions filled my head all that day and night:

Did she wake up the morning before just like every other day?  Was she tired?  Was all that she had to do that day running through her head?  Did she go to the market?  Take her daughter to dance class?  Did she kiss her husband goodbye?

Did she put gas in her car in the cold, and comment to her gas- pumping neighbor on how cold it was?

Was she thinking about all she had to do that week?  Fretting about her ailing mother?  Did she argue with her husband?  Were they on good terms, or barely speaking?

What did she cook for dinner that night, or did they go out?  Was she feeling okay, or unusually tired?  Was her heart racing and did she attribute it to stress?  Did she think she was coming down with something?

Did she read her daughter a bedtime story?  Did she skip pages or rush through it because she was tired?  Did her daughter ask for just one more story?  A glass of water?  One more kiss?

Did she kiss her husband goodnight?  Did they make love?  Sleep with their backs to each other?  What was she thinking about as she drifted off to sleep after a full day?  Did she say her prayers?  Have a quiet time?  Or maybe just crawl into bed, exhausted, deciding that when it came to exercise/ lovemaking/ prayers/ devotions/ reading that bedtime story she’d just do it tomorrow?

All of these questions plagued me, and we’ll never know the answers.  The truth is that a lot of those questions described MY Saturday, and I thought about how much I would regret if that had been me and I could have looked back.  I would have read the extra story, hugged my kids a little tighter, kissed my husband, made time for that last prayer.  Or knowing it was a possibility,  in the days and weeks before I’d have taken more time with my kids, exercised anyway, made better eating choices, been more available for my husband, and worried less about the house/ laundry/ my to- do list.

I’ve decided that I’m going to learn from this wake up call, focus on what matters, change those things that I can for the better, and honor God with the time I have left- however long that may be.  Not just for me, not just for my kids or my husband- but to learn from and honor the life of a wife, a mother, a sister, a daughter, and a friend who left us too soon.

Holiday Giving

2011/12/21

One of the things that I want my kids to develop a heart for (or at least a healthy respect for) is service to others.  I recognize that I can’t make them love it, or even really like doing it- but I can instill in them a respect for the fact that we should be concerned for “the least of these”, and we are responsible for helping them in some way.  It’s not okay to see a need and do nothing- I think God shows us things so that we can act, although “act” to me doesn’t necessarily mean you should do it yourself.  Sometimes the action is doing, but sometimes it’s finding the right person to get it done.

Anyway, on Saturday, I took Monae and Maisy to the Salvation army headquarters here in Baltimore.  Mark was quite ill, so he stayed at grandma’s, and Max would never understand why we weren’t opening the toys for ourselves, so I thought it would be better if he just stayed with daddy, lol.

Monae wasn’t really happy about missing her early dance classes to do this, at least not at first.  I am pleased to report that about halfway through the experience, she asked me if we could volunteer there every year- like a family tradition.    I told her I’d see how it went, and let he know after we were done.  When I explained to Maisy that we were going to pack up toys and clothes for kids who wouldn’t get anything for Christmas, she said, “some kids can’t get anything for Christmas?  Wait- but I’m still getting toys, right?”  It was kinda funny.  Once I reassured her that we weren’t giving away her toys, she was fine.  Maisy didn’t really mind helping at first, but got bored with it quickly.  I think next year she’ll do better, since she’d be able to help out a little more.

After signing in, we were escorted to an aisle and given directions.  In a room about the size of an elementary school gym, there were long tables set up end to end, almost the entire width of the room across, and most of the length to form aisles.  These tables were also stacked on top of each other- so take the layout and stack it on itself to get a mental picture.  On these tables and on the floor were large boxes, side to side.  Around the perimeter of the room on roughly three sides were giant wooden bins with the fronts cut low (so you can reach things inside).  The last wall consisted of a large shelving unit holding boxes labeled with boys and girls sizes, and shelves full of shoes, also sorted by size.

Each box has a sheet with information about the children in a family (they provide gifts for kids 12 and under only).  There are kids’ first names, their gender, age, and whatever they wished to receive as a gift.  There are two gift categories- toys and clothes- and stocking are also added for each child.

Our job was to look at the sheet, go to the bins/ clothing area to find the specific items in the right sizes, and fill the boxes (which contained black trash bags to hold everything).  Monae was shocked by the sheer amount of boxes in the room; we were about halfway down the aisles and we started working on boxes in the 900’s.  There were at least 2000 boxes in that room.  She was even more shocked, and quite sad, when I told her that those boxes didn’t come close to approximating the total number of kids or families that needed help- there were many more who wouldn’t get the help they needed.  It was very sobering.

We worked for three hours, finding stockings (separated by age), searching through toy bins, looking through coats and shoes for the right size.  It was easily one of the simplest volunteer jobs I’ve ever done, but also one of the hardest.  What I found most difficult was looking at the kids’ names and ages and realizing that they were the same ages as MY kids.  Seeing that he or she needed a coat.  Or maybe a pair of shoes that fit.  Maybe the four year old wanted a Barbie, or the tween girl asked for some lipgloss.  Things we take for granted everyday.  I can’t imagine any of my kids not having shoes that fit, or having to put “winter coat” or “gloves and hat” on their Christmas list.  That may sound petty or snobbish, but I’m not trying to be snobby- I’m just saying that it really hit home for me how much we take for granted.  How many things do we take as a given, and not even consider because we just know that they will be taken care of?   You know, those things that never even cross your mind when you’re whining about what you can’t get, or can’t have, or can’t do?  I’m guessing that when you’re having that pity party about how you haven’t been on vacation in three years because you just can’t afford it, things like affording a pair of shoes that fit or a thick coat for the winter never enter your mind.  They don’t for me, at least not at first.

This year when it got cold, I had a moment where I sighed to myself because I’d have to choose between one of my “same old coats” again this year, instead of buying myself a new one.  Not that I can’t, just that since I already have several puffy jackets and several wool coats, it wouldn’t be prudent for me to buy a pretty new camel- colored, cashmere blend car coat.  I thought about that when I was standing in the Salvation Army warehouse.  I felt ashamed and surprised at myself for not seeing how self- absorbed I probably am most of the time.  Not in a selfish way, just in a “me and my little world” kind of way.  My kids can choose what coat to wear, by style and color.  These kids are just happy to get something that will keep them warm.  Again, it was very sobering.

The silver lining in recognizing and acknowledging my selfish nature is that I caught a glimpse of the woman I want to be.  Introspection can be very difficult, as it forces you to take a hard look at yourself and see some things that you’d rather not acknowledge.  Indeed, the very act of seeing makes what you weren’t seeing before crystal clear.  It’s like looking in a highly polished mirror at yourself- seeing everything that you are, and everything you’re not all at the same time.

Along those same lines, I’m reminded that God was at work in me even then.  Not just because He stirred my heart to make volunteering a priority this year, but because during that introspective experience, He shined His light on me, exposing those dark places that I’d prefer to keep hidden- like the selfishness hiding in the shadow of my humility.  Have you ever noticed that when light is shined on some dark places, whatever is in the path of the light comes into focus, but those things on the margins are cast in shadow?  I  have found that when God’s light shines within us to reveal something we need to work on, it has the opposite effect on the outside.   The bright light focuses on the selfishness within me, but in that moment, people on the outside see my humility and compassion in the light; my selfishness is cast in shadow, out of sight, beyond pointing fingers and clucking tongues .

I had the desire to give to those less fortunate this holiday season.  However it really worked out that they gave to me-  a better, clearer picture of myself and the woman that I want to be.

And so, to answer her question:

Yes, Monae- we’ll make this a tradition every year.

The Nutcracker

2011/12/16

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted, because life hs been very busy for the Johnson’s as of late.  Keep reading and you’ll find out why.

Monae 2010

One of Monae's costumes from 2010

So, in a previous post (My “Mother’s Heart”, part I) I mentioned that my daughter auditioned for the Nutcracker as performed by the Ballet Theater of Maryland and was offered two roles.  We were very proud.  We are very proud.  Did I mention that it was in Annapolis?  I think I did.  Anywhere, that’s where the BTM is located, so that’s where all the rehearsals have been and all the shows are there, too- at the Maryland Hall.

Did I also mention that I don’t live in Annapolis?  Or even near Annapolis?  Door to door, we’re about a 45 minute drive if there’s no traffic.  If there is traffic, it can take considerably longer.  I think you can see where this is going… “it seemed like a good idea at the time!”

Okay, so I’m still sure it actually was a good idea.  She has developed a lot, not that she realizes it yet.  And the exposure to different teaching styles and other dancers has been really good for her, as has performing with a company in a production.

Nevertheless, the driving is killing me.  I will be SOOOO glad when Monday morning comes- because it means that it will all be over!!!  At first, rehearsals were just on Saturday and Sunday- a minor inconvenience, but no big deal really because they were only about an hour long.  That was in  September and October.

In November, the rehearsal schedule began to increase- some were longer, maybe 3 hours or so, and there was at least one weeknight.  A little inconvenient, yes, but again, not big deal.

Then December came.

We’ve had rehearsal in Annapolis 6 days a week.  Weeknights from 5 or 6pm until 10pm, except for Thursdays-  Thursdays were “mini- show” days, whit a 3 hour rehearsal after the shows.  Those days were from 8:30-4pm.  That’s like a work day!!!  It’s killing me!!!

Did I  mention that my van hasn’t been running since all this started, and we’ve been doing all this driving with our gas guzzling bus Expedition?  Last weekend, between Sunday morning (before we left for rehearsal) and Wednesday morning (before taking my husband to work) we had already put $280 into the gas tank!  And we weren’t even done for the week!  The gas has been killing us, too- there, I said it!  And the driving makes me so tired!  But the end is in sight- she’s off today, has performances Saturday and Sunday, and that’s the end.  She’s pretty spent, too, and I’m sure she’ll be glad when it’s all done.  A little sad, but glad too.

Next year, I’m sure she’ll want to do another Nutcracker.  And we’ll support her, and encourage her to spread her wings… and fly downtown for her auditions instead of 40 miles away, lol.

Who knew I’d be posting a part two so soon?

So, my daughter has a audition tomorrow.  She dances, and she’s a great dancer.  She’s auditioning for two shows- Aladdin and The Nutcracker, as performed by the Ballet Theater of Maryland.  This will be her first audition hosted by people who don’t know and love her.  She auditioned for the pre- professional group that she’s a part of (and must re- audition for each year), but that’s directed by her long time dance teacher.  Not that that ensured her a spot, because it didn’t- but she was a little more comfortable in the presence pf people she’s known for years.  This time it’s different.

She’ll be competing against a roomful of strangers, in front of a panel of strangers, somewhat far from home (auditions are an hour away- the shows aren’t that far, though).  I am nervous for her, and somewhat scared- all those other dancers, whose talent we know nothing about- and her in there, alone with them, being judged on her performance as compared to an unknown quantity.  My “mother’s heart” is not aching just yet- right now it is beating a hundred beats per minute, fluttering like a hummingbird’s wings, in anxiety- laced anticipation.

We just completed her performance resume, and will pick up her headshots tomorrow- they don’t need to be professional.  Good thing, because I forgot until the last minute.  But I have some good shots of her- between the dancing and the modeling in this house, I’m constantly taking headshots of my kids anyway.

Preparing the resume made it more real for both of us, and increased her level of stress so much it was almost tangible.  Once again, I played the cool, collected mom- “it’s no big deal, you’ll do great, you always do.”  Inside, I feel nothing of the sort- I KNOW she has the ability, I’m just afraid that in the presence of these other dancers and judges she’ll get nervous and freeze up.  I hope not, and that’s all I can do, because I’m not allowed to stand by and coach her, or peek in for a thumbs up, or anything- she’ll be in there, away from me, on her own, to stand on her own merits.  I know she can do it, but I’m afraid she’ll choke.  Perhaps I should have more faith, but it’s hard.

Once again, I silence that part of me that screams out to protect her from the possibility of hurt- the part that wants to tell her to just be happy taking dance classes.  And she would be happy to hear that, for as much as she wants to dance professionally, she does NOT want to audition.  Ever.  But auditions are par for the course, and something that she must get used to experiencing.  So I push her- not against her will, because if she honestly didn’t want to I probably wouldn’t force it- but I push her enough to move past the fear and into the next level of her training, even as I inwardly cringe at the thought of what could- and will- eventually happen.  I push her toward the thing that I want to protect her from, because it’s for her own good.

This is her dream, her ambition- all she’s ever really wanted to do.  I have to let her spread her wings, even if she falls the first few times before she flies.

When we wake up in the morning, it will be a whirlwind of activity to get all she needs and get her there on time.  We’ll make it, and thankfully the busyness required will keep my mind off of worrying for her- at least until we arrive.  Hopefully it will keep her from being so nervous, too.

I wonder if we’ll be having a celebratory dinner tomorrow night, or planning a consolation activity for her as well.  Or if we’ll even find out that soon- the waiting would be difficult for us both.  Luckily for me, I have an immediate distraction to help stave off my worrying- The Milkman calleth.  But I’ll keep you posted.

 

Update: Monae was selected for two roles in the Ballet Theatre of Maryland’s performance of the Nutcracker this winter.  Congrats, baby girl!