Life is Fleeting, pt. 2

2013/08/09

SONY DSCRemember how I posted that life was fleeting?  And then I posted “It’s Been a Long Time!”, about how we were expecting another baby, much to our surprise?

Well, once again, I learned that life is fleeting.

My beautiful, precious Maia Rose, 4lbs, 9oz, died on December 2, 2012.  I was 34 weeks pregnant.  I am still devastated.  I never imagined that would happen to me, to us.  I can’t begin to describe the horror, fear, and pain of having to endure that kind of reality- I can just say it never goes away and doesn’t get any better.  You just learn to manage it better.  But it still hurts just as much.

You just don’t talk about it much, because it’s such a downer to everyone else.  Truth is, I feel now the same as I did then- I’m better able to control the despair, to mask the pain and bewilderment- but it hasn’t gone anywhere.  I just have to put on a brave face so I don’t weird everyone out.

I also can’t begin to describe the difficulty of explaining this to my 5 and 3 year old.  Their disappointment over not being able to ever bring her home to play; their confusion about how and why she died and why other people got to keep their babies, but we did’t get to keep ours; and their fear that they might die too.

Seeing people I hadn’t seen since I was pregnant and watching their face change from excitement (oh!, you had the baby!) to confusion (but why don’t you look happy…) to shock (oh, my God- I had no idea, I’m so sorry!) to embarrassment (gee, I wish I hadn’t said anything…) to panic, as they flee (okay- just put my foot in my mouth- let me get away as soon as possible, because I have no idea how to fix this!).

BTW- I’m not contagious.  Your babies won’t die if you talk to me.

Just sayin’.

And so, I press on through this life that I’ve been blessed with.  God is still good, and He’s still incontrol.  I don’t understand and I certainly don’t agree with all that happened and continues to happen (like the constant reminders- you can’t escape babies, pregnant women, or the mention of either), I know He’s still in control.  And really, even if I understood it wouldn’t change anything.

She’d still be gone, and I’d still be devastated.  Forever.

But in a weird way, I know it’s okay- even if it doesn’t always feel that way- because I’m still on His mind, and He still has a plan, and He’s still on the throne.  And I’ll see her again.

But I still miss my baby, though.

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